I'm trying, but it's just not coming. I'm trying to CHOOSE joy, but it just isn't happening. Each day there is a new reminder that I'm empty. That my babies died and there will be no future with them. I *try* to remember that God works all things for HIS glory, but it doesn't stick.
I'm not sleeping, food has lost it's taste, and I'm just plain not cheery. I do what I need to as wife and mom, but my nights during the week (Todd works nights) are lonely. Far too quiet. Just too much time to think.
So many people have tried to find the words to comfort me. And, while I appreciate most of them, some are just difficult:
"Just be thankful for the kids you DO have"
"Sometimes, things just don't work out"
"Don't wallow in self pity"
"At least you weren't further along"
It's the lack of a future with our babies that is hard. The space in our hearts that we made that is now empty, stings.
I want to run away crying when friends talk about their pregnancies. It reminds me of what I don't have. Why do I STILL feel this way? When will it stop? Why can't I just be HAPPY for them, without the sadness I feel for me?
Todd and I BOTH feel our family is incomplete. But the idea of trying to conceive scares me. What if it takes a long time? What if I lose ANOTHER baby? How will I feel when my friends start having their babies and my arms (and womb) are still empty?
Our pastor posted Matthew 5:4 on facebook today:
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Why don't I feel this? I just feel BROKEN. How do I fix myself?
My husband says I need to pray about it. But I *DO*. I cry out. There are no answers. There is no relief. Just emptiness.