Saturday, January 5, 2013

Finding Joy?

I'm trying, but it's just not coming.  I'm trying to CHOOSE joy, but it just isn't happening.  Each day there is a new reminder that I'm empty.  That my babies died and there will be no future with them.  I *try* to remember that God works all things for HIS glory, but it doesn't stick. 

I'm not sleeping, food has lost it's taste, and I'm just plain not cheery.  I do what I need to as wife and mom, but my nights during the week (Todd works nights) are lonely.  Far too quiet.  Just too much time to think

So many people have tried to find the words to comfort me.  And, while I appreciate most of them, some are just difficult:

"Just be thankful for the kids you DO have"

"Sometimes, things just don't work out"

"Don't wallow in self pity"

"At least you weren't further along"

It's the lack of a future with our babies that is hard.  The space in our hearts that we made that is now empty, stings. 

I want to run away crying when friends talk about their pregnancies.  It reminds me of what I don't have.  Why do I STILL feel this way?  When will it stop?  Why can't I just be HAPPY for them, without the sadness I feel for me? 

Todd and I BOTH feel our family is incomplete.  But the idea of trying to conceive scares me.  What if it takes a long time?  What if I lose ANOTHER baby?  How will I feel when my friends start having their babies and my arms (and womb) are still empty? 

Our pastor posted Matthew 5:4 on facebook today:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Why don't I feel this?  I just feel BROKENHow do I fix myself? 
My husband says I need to pray about it.  But I *DO*.  I cry out.  There are no answers.  There is no relief.  Just emptiness. 



5 comments:

  1. M heart goes out to you! I can't imagine.

    I've been struggling with that same passage and a friend encouraged me to just dive into the Word more and more...

    Praying your heart finds peace and stupid people choose to be silent... those are horrible things to say. :(

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    1. Thank you! I know that with time I'll see it. There are bits and pieces of The Word that are popping out at me and showing the truth.

      I've found that people don't usually know what to say and either 1) just say I'm sorry 2) Say the wrong thing to fill the silence or 3) say nothing at all and pretend nothing happened.

      Just one day at a time...

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  2. I've been praying, and will continue to do so. While my circumstances are different, I certainly understand the feelings of brokenness and the non-stickiness of the TRUTH of the WORD. (((Hugs))) my friend. Love you.

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  3. Oh ouch! I know I've probably said so many things in the past in ignorance, to try to help mend someone's heart. I'm sorry these things were said. One time a friend told me it was "time to get over it" and when I told her that was a wrong thing to say and I couldn't speak with her she told me I HAD to forgive her or I was in sin. Doesn't help that later, during a Bible group meeting, she began using an illustration of an unborn baby/miscarriage to make a point. I stared at her in horror while everyone (but her as she was oblivious) stared at me in horror as well before I bolted out of there bawling my eyes out. It was SO RAW and I don't understand how people can be so blind to the suffering of others.

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