Sunday, January 20, 2013

Cycle Day 1

Again.  I tested twice this weekend and both were negative so I KNEW it was coming.  I guess I just wasn't ready for the pain; physically and emotionally. 

I was really hoping that we would get to see two little lines or a 'pregnant' in the test window BEFORE all my friends started having their babies.  Getting my period is a vicious reminder that my womb is empty and hollow.

Today is has been eight weeks since I delivered our remaining twin.  It feels like forever yet it feels just like yesterday.  Eight weeks since I saw my dead baby laying in my hands.  Eight weeks since my insides were scraped out to remove every last little bit. 

So badly do I want it all just to be better...

This morning, on the way to church, Todd told me to take the time I needed in church.  I wasn't quite sure what he meant, so I asked for clarification.  He said he didn't want to see me cry, so he suggested I take time away from worship/service if I needed. 

I was SO hurt by that.  He continues to say he supports me and wants to help me through this, but it doesn't feel like it. He doesn't understand why I STILL cry. 

I am TRYING to understand God's purpose in all of this.  I wrote about Trust a few months ago, shortly after I miscarried twin b.  It is SO MUCH easier to trust when you are on the receiving end of things.  Not so much when they're taken away. 


  1. I am so sorry, friend. Grieving is such a roller coaster. When I miscarried during the time I had my blog (it was my second miscarriage) I ranted, raved and posted a lot about it. I don't know if it helps but if you'd like to read my feelings (which were so up-and-down and all-over-the-place) this is one of the few posts I wrote:

    It also took me 8 weeks after each of my losses to start a cycle. Don't lose hope. I can't say how quickly it will happen for you and I know it's hard to trust right now in the pain. That is why you have friends, you have God, to hold you up when you feel you can't go on. You aren't meant to do this all on your own - we're here. *HUGS*

  2. Thank you for sharing your blog posts, Joy. I can TOTALLY relate to all the pain and all the other emotions that you went through.

    This is my second cycle. Before the first we didn't 'try' to make anything happen, as my body was still healing. This time we put a little effort into it. I've never had to 'try' and get pregnant before. It just happened.

    Sadly, now I worry that God is trying to test my patience and THAT scares me.