Again. I tested twice this weekend and both were negative so I KNEW it was coming. I guess I just wasn't ready for the pain; physically and emotionally.
I was really hoping that we would get to see two little lines or a 'pregnant' in the test window BEFORE all my friends started having their babies. Getting my period is a vicious reminder that my womb is empty and hollow.
Today is has been eight weeks since I delivered our remaining twin. It feels like forever yet it feels just like yesterday. Eight weeks since I saw my dead baby laying in my hands. Eight weeks since my insides were scraped out to remove every last little bit.
So badly do I want it all just to be better...
This morning, on the way to church, Todd told me to take the time I needed in church. I wasn't quite sure what he meant, so I asked for clarification. He said he didn't want to see me cry, so he suggested I take time away from worship/service if I needed.
I was SO hurt by that. He continues to say he supports me and wants to help me through this, but it doesn't feel like it. He doesn't understand why I STILL cry.
I am TRYING to understand God's purpose in all of this. I wrote about Trust a few months ago, shortly after I miscarried twin b. It is SO MUCH easier to trust when you are on the receiving end of things. Not so much when they're taken away.