Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Not sure how to comfort a mom during her loss?

A reader shared a site with me that her friend had posted.  There is SO MUCH information that I'm just scratching the surface.

I have found that a LOT of my friends and family have no idea how to 'handle' me.  Many people haven't even said one word about our losses.  Not even saying "sorry for your losses".  It floors me. 

If you are unsure of what to say/do/not do, I encourage you to check out this link. It's a great start and will help you in supporting a mother and her family through a loss. 


Friday, March 15, 2013

Some days are just better than others

Today is just not one of those days.  My mind and my heart are all over the place.  We've got so much going on that I just can't think straight. 

First and foremost is that we're moving this summer.  We have yet to find a place to rent and it's making me sick.  I would REALLY just like to know where and how much so I can start planning and preparing.  It's just not happening. God is saying to WAIT.

Secondly, I'm watching all my friends have their babies.  While it's a blessing and wonderful time to rejoice, my heart is heavy thinking about what I won't have.  I would have been 32 weeks on Monday.  With twins. I would have been just 4-6 weeks away from meeting the two newest members of our family. 

I dreaded watching this time come and it's here.  I was hoping to be pregnant before March so I'd have a tiny bit of joy of my own.  I know becoming pregnant again won't take away my pain.  I've said it over and over......Its just that the emptiness is SO hard to take sometimes. 

I have friends who are dealing with or have dealt with infertility.  Advice that I've been given from these friends are to not let what I experienced make me bitter.  And I'm not.  However, I think it's hard for people to imagine what came out of me in the hospital.  The tiny, red, lifeless body I held in my hands.

It wrecked me. 

I fear that God will never bless us again in that same way.  I fear that I will never again feel life growing within my body. 

I have a select few friends who know how bad I'm struggling.  I don't want to be a burden, so I call no one.  I ask for nothing.  But people don't know how to 'handle' me.  They'd rather not see me cry, so they say nothing to me. 

In fact, good friends had suggested , instead of constantly talking to them about it, that I see a counselor.  I was floored.  I don't need to talk to someone I DON'T know about the most painful part of my life.  I need good friends to lend their ears.  I need people to love me and not judge me.  I need to talk it out. If I DON'T talk about my babies, I'm afraid I will forget them. 

I don't know when I'll be okay with what happened.  I don't know the timeline God has for my grief.  What I do know is that the wound is still raw. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Someone else who 'get's it'

I stumbled across a blog from a friends' blog.  She lost twins just days shy of 20 weeks.  Her words ring with truth. Read it.


Friday, March 1, 2013


Killing Me Inside - Crossfade

There's a dream that comes to me
And it whispers all night long
Telling lies of things to be
And makes it all seem wrong
Even sleep is choking me
Am I feeling weak or strong
In the dreams I could not be
But it's killing me inside

It's killing me inside
Killing me inside

There's a dream I cannot see
And it laughs for all too long
Open eyes stare down at me
And it sings the same old song
Now its raining down on me
And I can't believe they're gone
All the dreams I used to see
Is now killing me inside

**yep.  It's been one of those days. This song just happened to be way to fitting.  Heard it for the first time today.