Just gotta say it

I want another baby.  I want to feel a glorious baby kicking inside of me.  I want to feel a little one whirling and twirling and punching and kicking it's way around in my womb. 

With each cycle my heart breaks just a little.  Did I expect it to happen right away?  Kinda.  I seem to be a bit of a fertile Myrtle so I was thinking it wouldn't take much. 

Do I think having another baby will 'cure' me of my pain?  No. 

Do I think having another baby will bring absolute joy?  No.  Only God can. 

But, I believe that God changed our hearts for a reason.  So here's to the next cycle....

Another loss

My sister delivered her son yesterday morning at 21 weeks gestation.  Sadly, he did not live.  My heart breaks for my sister, knowing the pain that she's going through and having that HUGE empty feeling.....

I was able to make it to the hospital yesterday before Todd headed to work.  I was able to hold my sister while she wept.  I was able to hold my sweet little nephew.  I was able.

I am so thankful for friends that pray for us.  I am blown away by the support I've received in my own losses from people that I've never even met in person.  Blown away by the love received from people that don't know us so well.  By the continued hugs of friends who know I'm STILL hurting.

But what I really DON'T get, is the people that I counted on to be there, weren't. My mother for example.  At this point, I really shouldn't be bothered by it anymore.  I get NO support from her.  She was one of the first people we called when we lost our second twin.  She never visited me in the hospital or at home.  There was no hug of loss, no "I'm so sorry", no "I love you".  Just "somethings aren't meant to be" and "you know, you're sister has had miscarriages, too".

I'm also surprised by the lack of ANYTHING from certain friends.  Especially a friend I considered to be one of my BEST friends.

There has been a HUGE void because of this.  Perhaps because God has brought OTHER people in my life that have been such wonderful support.  I don't think I could get through this without them. 

Cycle Day 1

Again.  I tested twice this weekend and both were negative so I KNEW it was coming.  I guess I just wasn't ready for the pain; physically and emotionally. 

I was really hoping that we would get to see two little lines or a 'pregnant' in the test window BEFORE all my friends started having their babies.  Getting my period is a vicious reminder that my womb is empty and hollow.

Today is has been eight weeks since I delivered our remaining twin.  It feels like forever yet it feels just like yesterday.  Eight weeks since I saw my dead baby laying in my hands.  Eight weeks since my insides were scraped out to remove every last little bit. 

So badly do I want it all just to be better...

This morning, on the way to church, Todd told me to take the time I needed in church.  I wasn't quite sure what he meant, so I asked for clarification.  He said he didn't want to see me cry, so he suggested I take time away from worship/service if I needed. 

I was SO hurt by that.  He continues to say he supports me and wants to help me through this, but it doesn't feel like it. He doesn't understand why I STILL cry. 

I am TRYING to understand God's purpose in all of this.  I wrote about Trust a few months ago, shortly after I miscarried twin b.  It is SO MUCH easier to trust when you are on the receiving end of things.  Not so much when they're taken away. 

God Changes Hearts

It's a pretty obvious fact that God changes hearts.  When there is something I want to see happen, I think to myself, "God knows the desires of my heart" and leave it there.  

To be honest, when we first found out we were expecting in September we weren't terribly excited.  Ian has been such a wonderful baby/toddler, that it would be good to go out on a good one.  That five was about my limit as I had been feeling tired and run down for quite some time.  I didn't want to have another baby in our small town home.  I feel ashamed for having those feelings now.

But God, through the loss of our twins, has changed our hearts.  He has made us WANT to let Him do His will with our family.  We don't care if God blesses us with 10 or more kids or with none (although the latter seems weird). 

We really want to have another little blessing to hold and snuggle.  Another sibling for our kids who, I keep forgetting, are now missing 2 or more siblings.  Even little Leah reminds people that "mommy's babies didn't make it".

So we pray for God to bless us again, when HE is ready.  Whether it's in this house, or not. 

Here and now

"God's power is given for the here and now. We may think and deliberate and mull things over for months, but God is ready to begin immediately when it comes to matters of His will." Bruce Wilkinson, Prayer of Jabez devotional

Okay, to be honest, the Prayer of Jabez devotional is on a shelf in my bathroom.  It was a quick read today and it struck a chord with me.  Even if *I'm* not ready, God always is. 

I had a bit of a breakdown over the weekend, but with the help of my husband and some friends, I let it ALL out.  I was holding back for quite some time, as I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable around me, I didn't want to burden people.  But that was the WRONG thing to do.  

That night, I slept well for the first time in nearly 6 weeks.  I was no longer carrying my burden alone.  I felt understood.  Now, I'm able to pray without crying and asking "why".  I was able to sing throughout worship at church Sunday morning WITHOUT crying.  It was a GREAT day!

Finding Joy?

I'm trying, but it's just not coming.  I'm trying to CHOOSE joy, but it just isn't happening.  Each day there is a new reminder that I'm empty.  That my babies died and there will be no future with them.  I *try* to remember that God works all things for HIS glory, but it doesn't stick. 

I'm not sleeping, food has lost it's taste, and I'm just plain not cheery.  I do what I need to as wife and mom, but my nights during the week (Todd works nights) are lonely.  Far too quiet.  Just too much time to think. 

So many people have tried to find the words to comfort me.  And, while I appreciate most of them, some are just difficult:

"Just be thankful for the kids you DO have"

"Sometimes, things just don't work out"

"Don't wallow in self pity"

"At least you weren't further along"

It's the lack of a future with our babies that is hard.  The space in our hearts that we made that is now empty, stings. 

I want to run away crying when friends talk about their pregnancies.  It reminds me of what I don't have.  Why do I STILL feel this way?  When will it stop?  Why can't I just be HAPPY for them, without the sadness I feel for me? 

Todd and I BOTH feel our family is incomplete.  But the idea of trying to conceive scares me.  What if it takes a long time?  What if I lose ANOTHER baby?  How will I feel when my friends start having their babies and my arms (and womb) are still empty? 

Our pastor posted Matthew 5:4 on facebook today:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Why don't I feel this?  I just feel BROKEN.  How do I fix myself? 
My husband says I need to pray about it.  But I *DO*.  I cry out.  There are no answers.  There is no relief.  Just emptiness.