You HAVE to watch this!

Okay, yes, it's the sermon from this past Sunday.  Matthew Molesky, our pastor, has an AWESOME vision and is great with visual presentation.  The passage he used was Luke 6:27–6:36.  WATCH IT!!

'New' car

Due to the fact that Todd's Lumina had seen better days, we decided that we needed to get a 'new' vehicle.  You know, one that doesn't have a hole in the gas tank, has heat, and won't overheat.  Just some MINOR things.
 

After I won the test drive from Miller Auto (a year and a half ago?) I fell in love with the Altima.  I thought it was rather impossible to find what we wanted and didn't have 160,000+ miles on it.  But, thanks to a wonderful friend who crunched the numbers for us, we now have our own 2005 Altima.  With only 88,000 miles on it.  Woot!

We now have a vehicle that should last us for MORE than just a few years.  Praise God for his provisions. 

Life is not...

Just sitting here at my computer and thinking....it's 12am and I'm lonely.  My husband is at work, my children are in bed, and I'm left with my thoughts.  And my tears.  I'm missing our babies something awful tonight and I'm not sure why.  I've been okay for quite some time now.  I have cried like this in a while.

But I'm sitting here thinking about the women's bible study I'm a part of.  We're reading through What Did You Expect by Paul David Tripp.  What's really stuck out to me so far is life not being tallied in the big things, but in the mundane.  The every day things. THAT is where you REALLY live your life.

In the last few weeks, I've been pouring in to God's word.  Not to heal necessarily, but to learn.  To grow closer to God.  I'm remembering that He has some amazing plans for me and my husband, but for our family. 

I keep thinking of how each little thing we go through grows us and matures us.  One of my favorite Bible verses, and what I do believe is my life verse, is in Romans 5. 

Romans 5

English Standard Version (ESV)

Peace with God Through Faith

5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ² Through him we have also obtained access by faith^[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we^[c] rejoice^[d] in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

⁶ For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— ⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. ¹¹ More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

I am in awe of God's promise for us. US!  You, me, and all who believe.  

I have, in my head, an idea of how things should go.  But you know what? I'd prefer things God's way. 

Another passage came to mind a couple of minutes ago:

1 Kings 19:11-13

King James Version (KJV)

¹¹ And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
¹² And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

I've been listening for that still, small voice.  You have to really quiet yourself.  He speaks.  He's not in the fire....

Little Girls

So Leah(3) says to me, "Mom.  I really miss my friend Leah.  She lives far away in a different house.  She wears a polka dot jacket". 

I would love to plan a play date with this friend, but the details are a bit fuzzy for her.  ;)

phone call

Every time I use the phone I need to tell the kids "Quiet now.  Mommy is going to be using the phone".  More often than not I find myself cringing as they scream and fight while I'm making my call.  Hoping the people on the other end of the line will be as gracious as my friends.  :/

Just gotta say it

I want another baby.  I want to feel a glorious baby kicking inside of me.  I want to feel a little one whirling and twirling and punching and kicking it's way around in my womb. 

With each cycle my heart breaks just a little.  Did I expect it to happen right away?  Kinda.  I seem to be a bit of a fertile Myrtle so I was thinking it wouldn't take much. 

Do I think having another baby will 'cure' me of my pain?  No. 

Do I think having another baby will bring absolute joy?  No.  Only God can. 

But, I believe that God changed our hearts for a reason.  So here's to the next cycle....

Another loss

My sister delivered her son yesterday morning at 21 weeks gestation.  Sadly, he did not live.  My heart breaks for my sister, knowing the pain that she's going through and having that HUGE empty feeling.....

I was able to make it to the hospital yesterday before Todd headed to work.  I was able to hold my sister while she wept.  I was able to hold my sweet little nephew.  I was able.

I am so thankful for friends that pray for us.  I am blown away by the support I've received in my own losses from people that I've never even met in person.  Blown away by the love received from people that don't know us so well.  By the continued hugs of friends who know I'm STILL hurting.

But what I really DON'T get, is the people that I counted on to be there, weren't. My mother for example.  At this point, I really shouldn't be bothered by it anymore.  I get NO support from her.  She was one of the first people we called when we lost our second twin.  She never visited me in the hospital or at home.  There was no hug of loss, no "I'm so sorry", no "I love you".  Just "somethings aren't meant to be" and "you know, you're sister has had miscarriages, too".

I'm also surprised by the lack of ANYTHING from certain friends.  Especially a friend I considered to be one of my BEST friends.

There has been a HUGE void because of this.  Perhaps because God has brought OTHER people in my life that have been such wonderful support.  I don't think I could get through this without them.