This question has been on my mind an awful lot lately. How does one simply accept what happened and move on? The pain of what should have been and what won't be are inescapably overwhelming.
Back in January, I shared that God had changed my heart. That I was open to whatever he chose our family size to be. After all, if He gave us the surprise pregnancy of twins, he wants our family to grow, right? That becoming pregnant with Solomon was his will, too? That the desire to have my womb filled with life again was given to me by God himself?
I am just so confused as to how God is working this all out. One loss, I understand. Losing both twins, I understand that, too. Losing a third baby is just a bit more than I can handle.
So now we pray, AGAIN, for God's will in our lives. I pray that he will give us direction.
At night, I pray through my tears for answers. Almost every time I feel God interrupting me with just two words: TRUST ME!
As I sit here typing I'm experiencing 'phantom kicks' which are a terrible reminder. For a brief moment I get excited thinking I feel a little person in me. Then reality kicks in and the harsh reality of what happened in brought back. I feel empty. I feel useless. I feel alone.
What does this TRUST feel like? What does it look like? What do I DO now?
Each day I do my best to pour my love into the blessings we have earth side. I hug them as much as I can and let them know that they are loved. That they are precious and we are SO thankful for them.
Even with those precious reminders of how blessed we truly are, I still. feel. stuck.