?

Tomorrow is the memorial service that our hospital puts on for babies lost within the last 6 months. My husband and I will be going. I've found myself an emotional wreck the last few days; the tears come freely and without end.

Aunt Flo came today on CD 25. Last month my cycle was only 19 days long. My body is so messed up it doesn't know what's going on anymore. I've had all sorts of bloodwork done, including a sonohystogram, and everything appears normal.

I know at this point that having a baby will not 'fix' me or make things better. I'm missing three babies. There is no fixing that.

I'm terrified of becoming pregnant again, though. I'm terrified to go through all of this again. I don't know if my heart could take it.

The feeling of emptiness is so overwhelming at times. I've got so many friends who are due in the next 8 weeks it's just unfair. How many times do I have to tell people that I'm SUPER happy for them, I'm just so. incredibly. sad. for me?