Though You Ruin Me

I've been trying to figure out what God is wanting me to learn through this last year.  What on EARTH is going ON?!?!? 

It has all felt so meaningless.  So miserable.  SO HURTFUL!!!

Why would someone who loves me continue to tear me apart? 

I may never have that complete answer.  What I do know, is that He's changing me. 

Romans 5:2-5

English Standard Version (ESV)

² ...and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Hope.  There is hope. Right?  How do I feel it?  When does it come?  I will be able to rejoice in my sufferings.....

Okay, so God is refining me.  He's producing character.  He's producing hope.

What I know is that my God has suffered.  He sent HIS son to die for sins I haven't even committed yet!!  I know He's cried tears of pain.  He knows. 

He Knows.

A friend sent me a link to a youtube video which has been AMAZING for my heart.  It's a song by Shane & Shane called "Though You Slay Me".  It features John Piper.  His message shoots me through the heart.  PLEASE take a few minutes to watch it. 

Seriously.  Watch it....

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

This has last year has been a TOUGH year.  Lots of unknowns.  Lots of ups and downs.  Clinging to His word.  His hope.  What else is there? 

October 26th was the one year mark for miscarrying our first twin.
November 25th was the day I delivered our second twin, leaving my womb empty.  ACHING. 
November 27th was Solomon's due date.

Please, friends, will you pray for us?  Pray that we can see and feel this hope.  Pray that we can see the SONshine through the rain.  Pray that we can glorify God through all of this.  Pray that we are open and accepting of His will for our lives.  'Cause I'll be honest, *I* feel as though I'm failing.  Miserably.

I know I'm a broken record sometimes, but I need to process a lot of this still.  There are 5 women, whom I know personally and call friend, that are having babies in the next few weeks.  One just had hers this past weekend.  Add several more facebook friends to that list.  Some I met on birth boards from previous pregnancies, and some from the November 2013 group.  Can you pray that jealousy will not enter my heart?  Can you pray for courage to congratulate these friends?  Can you pray for the smallest mending of my heart? 

I am stuck and need strength.

This Is Our Son

I struggle with wanting people to understand my pain and my fear that has come with our losses.  I might just ALWAYS struggle with that. 

Many times I have wanted to share his picture, the only one we have.  Out of fear of what they might say and for fear of rejection, I don't.  Only a few people have been willing to see it. 

So I figured I would share it here, openly.  If you want to see my son, scroll through.  If you feel it would be too much for you, close this post and there will be no hard feelings. 

**Loss mommies, this might be a trigger....

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Solomon Joseph went to be with Jesus at 16 weeks gestation

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This is our son.

This is why I weep. 

In Memory

Today was the memorial for babies lost in the last six months.  There were a lot of people there.  Far too many people who are hurting.

Lord, be with them. 

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Tomorrow is the memorial service that our hospital puts on for babies lost within the last 6 months. My husband and I will be going. I've found myself an emotional wreck the last few days; the tears come freely and without end.

Aunt Flo came today on CD 25. Last month my cycle was only 19 days long. My body is so messed up it doesn't know what's going on anymore. I've had all sorts of bloodwork done, including a sonohystogram, and everything appears normal.

I know at this point that having a baby will not 'fix' me or make things better. I'm missing three babies. There is no fixing that.

I'm terrified of becoming pregnant again, though. I'm terrified to go through all of this again. I don't know if my heart could take it.

The feeling of emptiness is so overwhelming at times. I've got so many friends who are due in the next 8 weeks it's just unfair. How many times do I have to tell people that I'm SUPER happy for them, I'm just so. incredibly. sad. for me?