Some days are just better than others

Today is just not one of those days.  My mind and my heart are all over the place.  We've got so much going on that I just can't think straight. 

First and foremost is that we're moving this summer.  We have yet to find a place to rent and it's making me sick.  I would REALLY just like to know where and how much so I can start planning and preparing.  It's just not happening. God is saying to WAIT.

Secondly, I'm watching all my friends have their babies.  While it's a blessing and wonderful time to rejoice, my heart is heavy thinking about what I won't have.  I would have been 32 weeks on Monday.  With twins. I would have been just 4-6 weeks away from meeting the two newest members of our family. 

I dreaded watching this time come and it's here.  I was hoping to be pregnant before March so I'd have a tiny bit of joy of my own.  I know becoming pregnant again won't take away my pain.  I've said it over and over......Its just that the emptiness is SO hard to take sometimes. 

I have friends who are dealing with or have dealt with infertility.  Advice that I've been given from these friends are to not let what I experienced make me bitter.  And I'm not.  However, I think it's hard for people to imagine what came out of me in the hospital.  The tiny, red, lifeless body I held in my hands.

It wrecked me. 

I fear that God will never bless us again in that same way.  I fear that I will never again feel life growing within my body. 

I have a select few friends who know how bad I'm struggling.  I don't want to be a burden, so I call no one.  I ask for nothing.  But people don't know how to 'handle' me.  They'd rather not see me cry, so they say nothing to me. 

In fact, good friends had suggested , instead of constantly talking to them about it, that I see a counselor.  I was floored.  I don't need to talk to someone I DON'T know about the most painful part of my life.  I need good friends to lend their ears.  I need people to love me and not judge me.  I need to talk it out. If I DON'T talk about my babies, I'm afraid I will forget them. 

I don't know when I'll be okay with what happened.  I don't know the timeline God has for my grief.  What I do know is that the wound is still raw.