Today is just not one of those days. My mind and my heart are all over the place. We've got so much going on that I just can't think straight.
First and foremost is that we're moving this summer. We have yet to find a place to rent and it's making me sick. I would REALLY just like to know where and how much so I can start planning and preparing. It's just not happening. God is saying to WAIT.
Secondly, I'm watching all my friends have their babies. While it's a blessing and wonderful time to rejoice, my heart is heavy thinking about what I won't have. I would have been 32 weeks on Monday. With twins. I would have been just 4-6 weeks away from meeting the two newest members of our family.
I dreaded watching this time come and it's here. I was hoping to be pregnant before March so I'd have a tiny bit of joy of my own. I know becoming pregnant again won't take away my pain. I've said it over and over......Its just that the emptiness is SO hard to take sometimes.
I have friends who are dealing with or have dealt with infertility. Advice that I've been given from these friends are to not let what I experienced make me bitter. And I'm not. However, I think it's hard for people to imagine what came out of me in the hospital. The tiny, red, lifeless body I held in my hands.
It wrecked me.
I fear that God will never bless us again in that same way. I fear that I will never again feel life growing within my body.
I have a select few friends who know how bad I'm struggling. I don't want to be a burden, so I call no one. I ask for nothing. But people don't know how to 'handle' me. They'd rather not see me cry, so they say nothing to me.
In fact, good friends had suggested , instead of constantly talking to them about it, that I see a counselor. I was floored. I don't need to talk to someone I DON'T know about the most painful part of my life. I need good friends to lend their ears. I need people to love me and not judge me. I need to talk it out. If I DON'T talk about my babies, I'm afraid I will forget them.
I don't know when I'll be okay with what happened. I don't know the timeline God has for my grief. What I do know is that the wound is still raw.