This Is Our Son

I struggle with wanting people to understand my pain and my fear that has come with our losses.  I might just ALWAYS struggle with that. 

Many times I have wanted to share his picture, the only one we have.  Out of fear of what they might say and for fear of rejection, I don't.  Only a few people have been willing to see it. 

So I figured I would share it here, openly.  If you want to see my son, scroll through.  If you feel it would be too much for you, close this post and there will be no hard feelings. 

**Loss mommies, this might be a trigger....

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Solomon Joseph went to be with Jesus at 16 weeks gestation

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This is our son.

This is why I weep. 

In Memory

Today was the memorial for babies lost in the last six months.  There were a lot of people there.  Far too many people who are hurting.

Lord, be with them. 

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Tomorrow is the memorial service that our hospital puts on for babies lost within the last 6 months. My husband and I will be going. I've found myself an emotional wreck the last few days; the tears come freely and without end.

Aunt Flo came today on CD 25. Last month my cycle was only 19 days long. My body is so messed up it doesn't know what's going on anymore. I've had all sorts of bloodwork done, including a sonohystogram, and everything appears normal.

I know at this point that having a baby will not 'fix' me or make things better. I'm missing three babies. There is no fixing that.

I'm terrified of becoming pregnant again, though. I'm terrified to go through all of this again. I don't know if my heart could take it.

The feeling of emptiness is so overwhelming at times. I've got so many friends who are due in the next 8 weeks it's just unfair. How many times do I have to tell people that I'm SUPER happy for them, I'm just so. incredibly. sad. for me?

Difficult Days

I stumbled upon this post via pinterest and has some AMAZING points on helping parents through some difficult days after miscarriage.  It's a very quick read and will truly help you understand the pain parents go through. 

http://www.lindsey-bell.com/2013/06/difficult-days-for-miscarriage-survivors.html?m=1

I can tell you that points 1, 2 and 3 were especially hard for me the beginning of this year.  Almost unbearable even though I was expecting again. Number 5 was so true.  Todd even said he felt I wasn't excited about my pregnancy at all.  I was numb and I was trying to protect myself emotionally.  Number 6 is more true than I'd like it to be, but I rejoice in their blessings. 

This is not something I'd ever wish upon anyone.  EVER.  I really do hope there will be more understanding in the future. 

Dear Lord

It's Been Two Weeks

As she walks on the city streets with a broken heart and tear stained cheeks
Holding on to the hope that someone’s listening
She looks to the stars above as they barely shine thru the evening fog
Takes her mind of the fact that she’s stopped breathing

And she thinks back to the days before hope had slipped away
To a time when life was still worth living
Like the thief who called out his name
Will you please remember me
She is crying out Jesus save me

So I raise my hands and call out on your name
My heart is yours and I’ll never be the same
Does your grace still save or am I on my own
I hear you say
You’re never too far never too far gone never too far gone
I hear you say you’re never too far gone

So I raise my hands and call out on your name
My heart is yours and I’ll never be the same
Does your grace still save or am I on my own
I hear you say
You’re never too far never too far gone never too far gone
I hear you say you’re never too far gone

You’re never too far gone

How Do I Move Forward?

This question has been on my mind an awful lot lately.  How does one simply accept what happened and move on?  The pain of what should have been and what won't be are inescapably overwhelming.

Back in January, I shared that God had changed my heart.  That I was open to whatever he chose our family size to be.  After all, if He gave us the surprise pregnancy of twins, he wants our family to grow, right?  That becoming pregnant with Solomon was his will, too?  That the desire to have my womb filled with life again was given to me by God himself? 

I am just so confused as to how God is working this all out.  One loss, I understand.  Losing both twins, I understand that, too.  Losing a third baby is just a bit more than I can handle. 

So now we pray, AGAIN, for God's will in our lives.  I pray that he will give us direction. 

At night, I pray through my tears for answers.  Almost every time I feel God interrupting me with just two words: TRUST ME!

As I sit here typing I'm experiencing 'phantom kicks' which are a terrible reminder.  For a brief moment I get excited thinking I feel a little person in me.  Then reality kicks in and the harsh reality of what happened in brought back.  I feel empty.  I feel useless.  I feel alone. 

What does this TRUST feel like?  What does it look like?  What do I DO now?

Each day I do my best to pour my love into the blessings we have earth side.  I hug them as much as I can and let them know that they are loved.  That they are precious and we are SO thankful for them. 

Even with those precious reminders of how blessed we truly are, I still. feel. stuck.