TRUST

**Parts of my story will be a wee graphic.  Nothing horrible, though.  Just a heads up.


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Although it SOUNDS simple enough, it's really, really hard. I struggle with trusting God's choices daily, as it seems that my way is the best or easiest.  But the scriptures always bring it back.

2 Samuel 7:28
Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.
Psalm 22:5
To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

I could go on and on, as the bible talks about trust quite a bit.  It's difficult to trust in someone you've never seen.  But what I can say, is I DO trust Him.  He's proven time and time again that He will provide for us, for our needs.

I've been struggling with some health issues for quite some time now.  Lack of sleep and weight issues, mostly.  And, while they're not SEVERE, they are hard to deal with.  Especially with a large(ish) family.

My midwife had diagnosed me with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) with insulin resistance.  She referred me to an OB to check for other issues and to have an ultrasound to check my ovaries and endometrial lining. The week of my appointment, I had just had my female monthly visitor.  A few days after it stopped, I experienced some secondary bleeding which was incredibly painful and heavy, so I was looking forward to my appointment and getting some answers.  The tech found a gestational sac.

Many women who have issues with PCOS have a hard time conceiving, so we certainly weren't expecting this.  I had asked the nurse, several days later, why I had a 'normal' period and the secondary bleeding.  She said it's fairly common for women to have a period after conception and the odd bleeding could have been a twin that I passed.

I called my midwife and let her know what was going on and she sent me to the lab to check my progesterone levels (the pro-gestating hormone) and Beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) to make sure that I had a viable pregnancy.  My HCG number were rising, but my progesterone was very low (6.4 - normal range during pregnancy is 16.5(low) to 35).  She scheduled an ultrasound see if baby was alive.

The two bright lines in the middle are the heart.  The circle at the top is the yolk sac.

There was a baby with a heart rate of 191 beats per minute. My uterus was VERY tilted at that point, so it was hard to see the baby.  They tech even thought she saw a twin, but wasn't sure because of how badly tilted my uterus was.

Weekly blood tests were done to watch my progesterone levels, as I had started progesterone suppositories. Two weeks later, another scan was performed to check on the status of baby.

The bright parts are the baby's facial features. 

Baby looked good here, although the amniotic fluid was REALLY low.  The bright spots on the screen in the sac are the baby's facial structure.  ;)  The shocking news was that there was, in fact, a twin.  However, it had no heartbeat.  I went home rather unsure of what was going to happen.  We held out hope for the twin, as again, my uterus was tilted and it was VERY hard to see. 

A call to my midwife calmed me a little bit.  If the twin indeed had passed, a few things could happen.  1) It would be absorbed by the living baby (vanishing twin)  2) I would miscarry the twin  3)  It would stay as is and become squished and calcified into the living baby's placenta.

For nearly three weeks, we prayed for the TWO babies in my uterus.  I at like I was pregnant with twins and I slept like I was pregnant with twins.  I saw two on that screen and I wanted two.  Having one just didn't seem right.

On the 25th, Todd and I decided to go out to dinner.  It had been AGES since we went out alone.  We even spent our 10th anniversary in September at home.  It was high time for a date night. 

Dear friends of ours watched our brood while we enjoyed ourselves.  Per my request, we headed to Red Lobster.  CRAVINGS!!  It was a 40 minute wait, but I didn't care.  My back hurt suddenly and I figured it was just due to the wooden benches and thought nothing more of it.

We were seated, ordered, and began eating.  After 10 years of marriage and 5 children, you'd think we had things to talk about, but we really didn't.  I brought up some topics, but Todd said he didn't want to talk about anything "too heavy". Funny.  It was then that I started cramping.  I felt a little discharge and figured I should head to the bathroom just in case.  I grabbed my purse, stood up, and a gush of fluids came out of me. 

I didn't know what to do.  I sat down and GLARED at Todd.  He didn't understand.  I wiped my hand on my pants and the fluid was shiny.  I wiped my hand on my napkin and saw the blood.  I started shaking and crying.  We asked for our bill right away, letting the waitress know our issue.  She quickly got our check, paid, and got up to leave.  The only issue was that my pants were all bloody and we were in the far back of the restaurant. 

The waitress was kind enough to walk in front of me and I draped my jacket over the front of my body with Todd walking behind me.  Once we were out of the building I started crying hysterically. I never anticipated it would be like this.

We went home and I got cleaned up, crying the whole time.  Our dear friend and neighbor watched our kids while we went to the hospital to get checked out.  We didn't know if it was a complete miscarriage, if we had lost the twin or is it was some random bleeding. 

The scan at the hospital showed one, living baby, with no sign of a twin.  There was a peri-gestational hematoma where the twin had been. While one baby was GREAT news, the loss of the twin was, and still is, hard.  I was sent home with some pain meds, as it was terribly painful, and told to follow up with my provider.

I had another scan this week to check on baby.  Thankfully, things are looking okay. They saw a line that meant babies did NOT share a sac, which means a better outcome for this one.  We're still not out of the woods, yet.  Baby's fluid level is STILL low.  Not sure how to remedy that at this point, but we're praying for it.

Side view of baby

Nana Nana booboo

So now, we TRUST in God's plan for our family.  We TRUST in His will for this life inside of me.  One is better than none, right?  I'm still crying randomly for our loss and I'm not sure how long I will.  The bleeding has stopped now, but I'm still cramping.  I'm not nearly as hungry as I was two weeks ago, but now I'm MORE tired than I was.  I'm finding it hard to do much of anything.  My guess is it is due to the amount of blood I lost, so I'm still trying to take it easy and sleep when I need to.  

If all goes well, we will have another person to add to our family in the middle of May, 2013.  Would you please pray for us and baby B? 

Now, with that said, I need to address something.  We chose not to tell people earlier because of 1) the issues with my progesterone and viability and  2) people have made some really NASTY comments about our family size. 

Take a line from Thumper, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all".   We've decided to TRUST God's will for our family as he's NEVER let us down.  But comments like, "aren't you done yet" or "you know how to prevent that, right", are rude and disrespectful and just plain uncalled for. 

Deuteronomy 28:4 NASB
4 "Blessed shall be the offspring of your body and the produce of your ground...

We are blessed.